I stepped in the cinema expecting an epic drama, complete with breathtaking scenery, plenty of fighting scenes as well as spectacular computer graphics. I got most of that.

But I really didn’t expect The Promise 无极 to turn into a comedy.

With big names filling the cast and crew list, it wouldn’t be that difficult to market this Asian movie in the West (or any part of Asia, for that matter). Yes, I suspect the American market is (once again) their primary target.

Frankly, Chinese directors have been doing period dramas since forever. Trying to change the way a Chinese period drama works, is almost like asking the Chinese to eat Chicken Rice with Tabasco. I assume most people in the West have no idea what kind of chili goes with Chicken Rice. They’ll probabbly slurp it up eagerly from there.

We, Chinese, after so many years of 八仙过海 and 神雕侠侣 know what’s acceptable and what’s not.

We’re absolutely fine with mortals and immortals co-existing in the same space, but we cannot take a woman with no martial arts background doing sky diving there. And we can believe pugilists flying here, there, everywhere, but hor, there must be a “stepping point”. You see, they don’t actually fly. They have 轻功, which makes them very light and thus allowing them to bounce and bounce without any effort. But they’re still mortals, and hence cannot fly like a bird without landing on something at some point.

张东健 played a slave. A sibei sut slave who could out-run bulls. The over the top running scene with animation nearly made me choke on my Coke. (Predicted response from a Caucasian viewer: Wow! this Asian guy can run faster than the bulls! But where’s the red hanky?)

谢霆锋 was a General Duke, who could and should be very suave and all. He ended up looking a bit ah gua with all the unnecessary hand movements and weird dialogue. (Predicted response from a Caucasian viewer: Wow! This guy is a SNAG! Nifty action there!) Look, the martial arts experts in Chinese movies are typically very chor-lor one ok. You have some gentlemen there who believe that martials arts is for self enrichment and not fighting, but they don’t behave like adolescents confused with their sexual orientation.

And I think a lot of girls, and perhaps some guys, would spit at the director for turning 刘烨 into a hideous freak. (Predicted response from a Caucasian viewer: Wow! This guy is so ugly!)

张柏芝 is this poor, desperate and sibei hungry girl, who promised a goddess to give up Love and Happiness in exchange for a lifetime of fortune and luxury. (Predicted response from a Caucasian viewer: Wow! Like Satan!)

Her name was 倾城- which was very appropriate. And it explained why the King (whose hairstyle, by the way, really cannot make it), a General, 张东健 and almost every male mortal in the movie so infatuated with her. She’s pretty, yes.

But she’s a very confused girl. One minute she says she wouldn’t love another soul, the next she throws herself into the arms of a man.

I’m very confused too. Cos I can’t really comprehend what the director was trying to do.

A martial arts film? It failed for the above reasons.

A film to show off progress in the Asian film making industry? Our expertise must have been very very very good. But too many cooks spoil the broth. Too much effects make the thing looks cheesy.

A story about promises, love and comradeship? Perhaps they should consider doing one thing at a time in the future lah.

And by the way, they have to do something about the screenplay…

In one of the final scenes, 张东健 stabs 谢霆锋 somewhere. In the confusing two seconds that followed, 谢霆锋 pulled out that same dagger and kills off 张东健! Huh? Where got so stupid one?!

Five seconds later, 谢霆锋 crawls to 张柏芝 and said: “他们快要死了。你去看一看他们吧”?

乌鸦飞过 Gua~Gua~Gua~

And oh, Mainland reporters would have to be more honest, really. Comparing this to Lord of the Rings? Have they not seen LOTR or have they not viewed The Promise before penning the review?!